Random venting post...not band related and pointless (long post...only read if your bored)

There is this song called I Feel Beautiful by Fantasia.  Here are the lyrics to the first verse:

Nothing I ever did was good enough for you
Nothing I ever did could ever seem to please you
You always tried to make me feel small
And all I did was give you my all
Never felt pretty enough
Never felt sexy enough
Never felt good enough

These lyrics describe how I feel about my marriage at this exact moment in time.  Let me just say...my husband is an AWESOME man.  He is my biggest cheerleader in everything I do.  He has always encouraged me to go after my dreams...to do whatever would make me happy.  All he wants in life is for me to be happy.

However, that awesome man can be a complete and utter asshole more times than not.  Today is one of those days...and right now...if he accidentally fell over the balcony I would go to sleep and check on his ass in the morning. 

When we first married almost 9 years ago...we were not married 6 months before his mother moved in with us.  No big deal...I love the old lady.  Unfortunately, the love she had for me must have ended once I married her son.  She became hostile toward me.  She would call me liars on the phone with her friends, called me the N word more times than I care to count, and I have been many bitches in her eyes.  She questioned my loyalty to my husband...accused me of cheating and was just all around disrespectful to me.  Not once did I mistreat her.  When she lost her sight.  I cared for her.  When she became scared to move after a fall that broke her arm...I cared for her.  When we moved to another state, I paid my mother to take a leave of absence from work to come to Texas to care for her.  I cleaned her, I bathed her....I loved her and cared for her in ways her own children did not.

Eventually the burden became to much and we placed her in a nursing home.  She would receive visits every week.  Sometimes Charles and I went together...sometimes we went separately...but I wanted to make sure she never felt forgotten.  She passed away in October of 2009.  We are financially strapped because we had to pay off her nursing home bill and several other expenses related to her funeral.  We are still trying to get over that debt.

I say all this to say...that I was good to his mother.  Yet he treats my mother like she is bad rash he can't get ride of.  My mother adores my husband.  They are only 5 years apart in age...however that is no reason to be disrespectful.  My mother quit her job in order to stay home and take care of our kids full time.  My mother cleans our house and cooks our meals daily.  All while dealing with my bad ass children.  She does this all because she loves us...not because she has too.

My husband says mean things to her...or he yells at her...or he talks badly about me so that she can hear it...because he knows she will tell me.  These are things he will never say to my face.  After he yells and screams about me...when he talks to me his tone is different and his attitude is different.  He knows I don't play that bullshit and I will cut him off at the knees.  I am nobody's doormat.  I can be cold hearted if I need to be.

I say all this to say...I'm pissed at this mean man!!!  The bad part is I don't like to be mad at him.  But I am fed up with his rudeness to my mother and his favoritism with our children.  I'm tired.  I'm so damn tired.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  The crazy ass mood swings...the rudeness....the downright disrespect.  Ugh...